Today while browsing Zhihu, I discovered that I had written an article like this before. I briefly skimmed through it and it seems like I haven't changed much.
From the Beginning#
I have always considered myself to be an easygoing and indifferent person. Or perhaps I am a bit gentle in everyday life. I can't say I'm good-looking, but I'm at least above average.
In my daily life, I have good relationships with women, maybe because I have a good temper. However, everyone needs to have their own principles, and because of certain things, I have cut ties with friends. I can't say I got angry. I don't think getting angry is meaningful; it would only waste my emotions.
Towards people I don't know or have no connection with, I can be quite cold. I don't know when it started, but my personality has gradually become a bit cold. Perhaps it's a bit contradictory. But it's a gentle kind of coldness. I always maintain a slight distance from people. Many people misunderstand me and talk about me behind my back. I can't be bothered to argue or show any emotional fluctuations. After all, no matter how they see me, once they start misunderstanding me, there is no chance for us to have any connection again. So why should I waste my emotions? This complex and contradictory person is probably the real me.
Desire or Emotion?#
Sometimes, people are strange creatures. In the circle of life, they go to great lengths to hide their true selves, to play a role that they themselves don't even like, just to make others believe. But in a place where they can be anonymous, on a network where no one knows who they are, they expose everything about themselves, whether it's something the world can understand or something it can't. Here, I'm not saying whether it's good or bad, or whether it's righteous or evil, or even using the word "morality." Because I think human nature cannot be measured by something universally agreed upon. Morality, I think, is not affecting others and not disrupting social order, and that's enough.
Perhaps this is also my defense of SM.
What is S? What is M? I have always been pondering this question. Is it about the conquest and submission of the soul, or is it just a game for everyone to release their desires? These things are too complex. I can't say that training related to the soul is true training, nor can I say that a game for releasing desires is not training. It's like a question that girls often ask in relationships: Do you want to sleep with me because you want to be with me, or do you want to be with me because you love me? Can anyone give an answer to this question? If so, please tell me. After all, I have questioned my heart countless times but still can't come up with an answer.
SM#
For S, I think there is only one highest requirement, and that is not to try to change an M who doesn't want to be changed, to find the one that suits you, and not to be impulsive. Only focusing on sex is not called SM; it's just a hookup.
For M, two words: be cautious. Don't rush to submit, it's just another aspect of the game, but still be cautious and find a reliable person to engage with.
I saw a sentence that I really liked. "My training is to make you live the way I like." Here, I want to add one more sentence: I like excellence, not decadence. If you submit to me, I naturally have to take responsibility for you. Perhaps this is the kind of SM I want. But I still want that kind of release of desires. People are greedy, aren't they? Isn't the most beautiful scene when I have just trained you and you are lying at my feet, and I gently touch the place I just tormented, asking if it hurts? At that moment, time should stand still. Perhaps this is just a fantasy.
Desire and Reflection#
I have been involved in SM for a while now, whether it's a long or short time. I have seen those who have degraded themselves to the point of not wanting to be human, and I have also seen those who remain proud even during training. I have seen all kinds of people, and I don't know if that is what they truly want, or if there is a switch that activates them? Do they switch their mode? Instantly transforming from an ordinary person to an M who wants to be trained. The most common ones I have encountered are those who hover on the fringes of the community, wanting but not wanting, unable to recognize their true selves, whether they are male or female. There are also many pseudo-S and pseudo-M, just seeking excitement.
Sometimes, I also enjoy humiliating and insulting, playing with extreme kinks, watching their degraded appearance, feeling an indescribable sense of excitement. But it's not about sex. Treating someone like a dog or something to play with, to humiliate them. It gives me an indescribable feeling. Maybe I don't really understand where their excitement comes from, or maybe it's similar to mine.
Playing around, from online flirting to SM, I have realized that human desires truly do grow. In the past, when I saw those degraded female animals who wanted to be treated like dogs, I found it disgusting. But now, I only feel excited and come up with various methods to play with them. Human imagination and curiosity are boundless, especially when it comes to training and playing. Human endurance and sensitivity are also boundless, whether it's being trained or being played with. I have written so much, it's all jumbled up, and I don't know if anyone will read it. That's how it is.