I have always been thinking about what kind of story I will write this time. The first two sentences of the text are inspired by a song I heard, which made me think about my emotions and my love.
I have always been pondering what kind of love I want, what kind of partner I want. My light ignited too early and with too much force, to the point where I am now a bit dim and about to extinguish. I don't know when it started, but I no longer believe in love, no longer believe in that passionate and genuine love, the kind that throws caution to the wind.
I have seen these words:
"I love you, I don't know what it means to love you, or how to love you.
But, no matter when, when I see you, I run and throw myself into your arms."
How beautiful, this is the scene in my dreams, this is the love I have always fantasized about, when did I lose my innocence and beauty, when did I stop caring about anything else and only have you in my heart.
Ah, I think, maybe it was when I gave my whole heart and got hurt all over. The edges of two young people hurt each other, all the innocence and beauty turned into sharp blades, stabbing each other's chests. But I don't know how deeply it hurt the other person.
Both people's eyes have a burning fire, passionate and scorching, getting close to each other, possessing each other, embracing each other, burning each other.
Love#
Someone said, every boy has a star in his eyes. When he likes you, he stares at you with focus, as if you are the whole world, and in that moment, you feel his star shining for you. When he loses you, he still stares at you with focus, as if a galaxy of stars has fallen, and in that moment, his star in his eyes fades away, not knowing if anyone else can light it up again.
The most unforgettable moment is probably when I get drunk to the point of blurred consciousness, thinking about your name, how much I love you, our future, and how to spoil you. Lying in bed, crying and shouting: Baby, I love you. I don't care about anything else and just call you, just want to tell you how much I love you. Even sweet words seem powerless at that moment, I can't think of any sentences to express myself, I just know that I love you very much, love you recklessly, love you without reservation.
I never imagined that someone as important to me as you would no longer belong to me one day, that one day I would no longer love you, that one day I would think of you with a smile of relief. Maybe I didn't love deeply enough, but I feel like I have loved you to the core, losing a love that completely changed myself.
I don't remember how long we were together. What did you leave me with? I know you wanted me to love you more, I also know that your breakup was just a way to ask for more, but I really can't hold on anymore, baby (please allow me to call you baby one last time). My heart is already full of wounds, to the point where I decisively left during our last breakup. I also imagined that I couldn't leave you and would turn back, but in the end, I didn't.
I can't sincerely wish you a happy future. I just hope that I was a test on your path to growth, that losing me made you better. But I don't have the luck to have a better you.
Habit#
I have always been asking myself if I love you. We really did practice the saying "familiarity breeds fondness". Maybe you liked me at the beginning. The pain of losing you is not about losing you, but about the change in habit. All the compatibility cannot compare to a single look from the right person.
Our separation, I wasn't really too sad, just like our encounter didn't bring much joy either. Less than 600 days of companionship, there was always a day to leave. We are no longer children, no longer as passionate, no longer arguing. Maybe it's because I haven't met the right person yet, or maybe you still believe in love. Either way, you are luckier than me.
How did we get together? I don't remember anymore, it just happened naturally. I once told you that maybe I won't like anyone else in my lifetime, that I can't do it anymore. The love I had before was too intense, to the point where I couldn't love anymore.
So, do I really love you? I truly don't know. You have told me more than once that being with me is comfortable. We hardly ever argue. Is this love? One person's ease and happiness is always because of the other person's burden. I try to avoid all conflicts, give you a sense of security, give you love, give you what you want, but it seems like I don't really love you much. I did what I should do, but I still couldn't find the soul to love you.
You said, I am like a deep well, you can't see through it, dare not love.
But I can understand you, yet I can't truly fall in love with you.
In the end, you met him. You said he is another you in the world, you said he can come see you every week. When you talked about him, I felt like you were glowing, maybe he is really your true love.
But I still don't want to wish you happiness, I'm sorry.